15 Hilariously Spot-On Dating Rules From Aziz Ansari

Professional funnyman and Parks & Recreation star Aziz Ansari has dropped some wondrous dating advice over the last few years, mostly from his excellent book Modern Romance. Here's some of his most hilarious (and bright) rules. 

1.) "There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it. But seriously, if the person doesn’t clip their toenails or wear clean socks, look elsewhere. There are plenty of options."

2.) "I see people my age getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like 'What the f--- was I doing with this sweater?'"

3.) "If you were in a bar, would you ever go up to a guy or girl and repeat the word 'hey' ten times in a row without getting a response? Would you ever go up to a woman you met two minutes ago and beg her to show you one of her boobs? Even if you are just looking for a casual hookup, do you really think this will work? And if so, do you really want to bone someone who responds to this? Yet people send these kinds of text messages all the time. I can only conclude that it's because it's so easy to forget that you're talking to another human being and not a bubble."

4.) "Today, if you own a smartphone, you’re carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket."

5.) "I was in a relationship for a few years and I think in the time I was in the relationship all dating communication went exclusively to text. You can’t call anybody anymore, if you call people: 'What are you on fire? Quit wasting my time, text me that s---!'"

6.) "We want something that’s very passionate, or boiling, from the get-go. In the past, people weren’t looking for something boiling; they just needed some water. Once they found it and committed to a life together, they did their best to heat things up. Now, if things aren’t boiling, committing to marriage seems premature. But searching for a soul mate takes a long time and requires enormous emotional investment. The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress. Younger generations face immense pressure to find the 'perfect person' that simply didn’t exist in the past when 'good enough' was good enough."

7.) "Online dating is like a second job that requires knowledge and skills that very few of us have. In fact, most of us have no clue what we're doing. One reason is that people don't always know what they're looking for in a soul mate, unlike when they're picking something easier, like laundry detergent (big ups to Tide Mountain Spring — who doesn't want to their clothes to smell like a fresh mountain spring?!)."

8.) "If you’ve held someone you love and watched three to ten hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you’ve experienced the peak of human happiness."

9.) "The whole idea of love is scary -- so is being with someone for the rest of your life and being happy with them for the rest of your life. There's lots of research to suggest that, actually, love's not really that simple."

10.) “When you hear a Flo Rida song at first you’re like, ‘What is this, Flo Rida? It’s the same thing you’ve always done. I’m not listening to this song.’ And then you keep hearing it and you’re like, ‘Oh my God, Flo Rida. You’ve done it again! This is a hit, baby!’ And that’s what people are like. People are like a Flo Rida song. You need to hear them a couple of times before you really get what they’re about.”

11.) “The perfect date night? I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There’s candles in the car. You go ‘Is that dangerous?” and I go, ‘Yes… but I like danger.’ We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my car’s on fire. You go, ‘Aziz, your car’s on fire. Aren’t you upset?’ I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, ‘No. I knew this was gonna happen.’ And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.”

12.) “Sometimes there’s another reason that people take so long to text you back: They aren’t playing mind games or busy. They’re just GOOGLING THE F--- OUT OF YOU.”

13.) “Japan has not only a huge sex industry but also what some have dubbed a ‘relationship replacement’ industry that provides everything from ‘cuddling cafes’ (where clients pay for things like pats on the head, eye contact, and ear cleaning with a Q-tip) to full-on sex robots that are built to last for years. I never thought I would say this, but of those two things, having sex with a robot seems like the more reasonable option.”

14.) “On that note, it is fairly common knowledge that nothing gets a girl more turned on than a bowling lounge. Between watching fat guys tossing bowling balls and the dulcet tones of The Simpsons arcade game, I can’t image those encounters not ending in a marathon boning session.”

15.) “Spend more time with people, less time in front of a screen, and—since we’re all in it together—be nice to people.”