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28 Greatest Mitch Hedburg Quotes

The man was a comedy genius.

The late Mitch Hedburg is one of the greatest comedians of all time. His one liner humor was pure wit and would have been perfect for the Twitter generation we're currently in. Here's a few of his best jokes...

1.) Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.

2.) I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

3.) I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve traveled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down. 

4.) One time a guy handed me a picture, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

 5.) I got a king size bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable.

6.) I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign. Only an “Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience.”

7.) I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.

8.) I haven’t slept for 10 days… because that would be too long.

9.) I read last year that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, man… such an even number.

10.) Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr Pepper. But it’s the bullsh** replica because dude didn’t even get his degree!

11.) I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.

12.) This one commercial said “Forget everything you know about slip covers,” so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didn’t know what the f*** they were.

13.) I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. 

14.) I never had a piggy bank, but one time I had some bacon and it tasted an awful lot like change.

15.) I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

16.) I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. 

17.) I tried to walk into Target… but I missed. 

18.) I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

19.) That would suck if a drink was ice cold… because then it would be impossible to drink. 

20.) I’m a heroine addict… I need to have sex with women who saved someone’s life.

21.) I got New Balance shoes on, but they’re old… so I might start falling.

22.) I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

23.) The thing that’s depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as a wall.

24.) Last time I called “shotgun,” we had rented a limo…

25.) I would imagine if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

26.)  If you’re a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture.